High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
You Might Also Like
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What if the weather talks about us?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.