When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
this will hang in the louvre one day
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?