That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.