5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess