FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Watson was Holmes schooled
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
pictures of spider-man
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.