detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.