Spring cleaning checklist…
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?