I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You Might Also Like
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
A short story of betrayal:
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m not proud