Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999