Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.