My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.