Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.