mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich