This might be the funniest tweet ever
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.