Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…