Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
You Might Also Like
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
when mom throws a party…
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”