Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You Might Also Like
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.