Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
🙅🏻
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.