[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Pringles
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*