One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi