MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
LOOOOOOL
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”