Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword