A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.