airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no