You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now