I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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This was the best day of my life
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
thanks auntie mary
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.