I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Fries, not lies.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
The hardest thing Vision has to do
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.