According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
You Might Also Like
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”