Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.