Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Waiting for the Charmin
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict