Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Cat is stressing him out.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
when you order from DoorDastardly
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs