[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”