I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels