My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I鈥檓 not afraid to say it, I鈥檓 against problems.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford鈥檚 cousin
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If my fingers don鈥檛 motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Can鈥檛. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable