Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Good point.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.