Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea