I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.