SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.