Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.