I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Never be a pizza!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*