I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
You Might Also Like
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Beware of the dog..
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine