WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil