What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
You Might Also Like
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?