I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.