don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
forgive me baja for i have blast
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees