this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Had to try this trend 😊
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
What the dentist sees
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*