Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
This dude got his own movie?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
This has made my week.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power