when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
some things should go without saying
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.