What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.