If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”